


Nocturne walks

by Aarashi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Study, Empathy, Feelings, Gen, Late Night Conversations, Light Angst, Talking, Training Camp, Understanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:02:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21761230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aarashi/pseuds/Aarashi
Summary: "Sometimes, Yachi wished she could stop feeling.(...)“Do you think such things like suffering can be compared? Like: hey, I feel twenty eight units of suffering, what about you? Me? I feel like a hundred lots today.“No, not in that way, but… it’s kind of logic, isn’t it?”“Hum?”Yachi finally looked at him.“Like… they are the players. I’m just the manager.” "
Relationships: Kuroo Testurou & Yachi Hitoka
Kudos: 13





	Nocturne walks

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since I write these people so it wasn't easy to write this... I hope you enjoy (and sorry for the mistakes!)

Sometimes, Yachi wished she could stop feeling.

It was not as she was unhappy. Yachi considered herself quite a fortunate girl, even though she had an inclination for messing things up. But she was aware of that, she was used to that and even if she usually couldn’t avoid the guilt and the shame at those times, she had learnt to accept that part of her. More or less.

But there were things Yachi just couldn’t accept.

The corridors were dark and silent. There was no light at sight and Yachi doubted before stepping out of the room she shared with the other girls and into the passage. She closed the door as silently as she could before glancing back one last time and starting to walk.

Everything was so quiet at night.

More than because of the dark or because she was out of bed when she was supposed to be sleeping, it was because of the silent that Yachi felt uneasy while she walked. Because she was so used to the screams, the laughs, the blows of the ball and the squeak of the trainers.

The fervor of the court.

Even though it was a place she didn’t belong to.

Yachi stopped at the end of the corridor when she saw the stream of light coming from the adjacent one, but it was just the moonlight. She thought it was too bright for such a dark night. She still heard the noise. The yells and the frustration echoing in the gym. And the silence that came after.

Yachi had wanted to say something. She didn’t know if she wanted to comfort, to be helpful, or simply to yell and cry. But of course she hadn’t done any of that. It wasn’t something she could show, not when the echoes still had their weight in that gym. What could she do, if maybe there wasn’t even a reason for her to be there? What could she do, when her voice was so tiny when compared with the rest? She didn’t have a place between those whispers. She didn’t have any right to feel that way. But she couldn’t tear off that feeling on her chest and throw it to the nearest bin. She wished she could.

Yachi took a deep breath when she realized she had been holding air for too long. Before, the idea of being awake at those hours and wander around the corridors of an unknown school would have horrified her, but now it was nothing compared with her own distress (the one she wasn’t supposed to feel). When combined all of them, it was like someone stole the air of her lungs.

Would the nights be harmless again, someday?

She was so tired of wandering around.

“Enjoying a nocturne walk?”

Yachi jumped and saw a tall figure in the middle of the hallway. The boy took a few steps forward and, under the light of the moon, she recognized the profile of the captain of Nekoma.

“Sorry. I just…” Yachi began in a nervous whisper.

“No, I’m the one who is sorry. I think I’ve frightened you.”

“Oh, no, it’s okay, hum… It’s fine.”

Kuroo tilted his head, but did not move. Yachi was starting to wonder why, of all people in all places, she had had to encounter with him. Kuroo was tall, he had some kind of strong presence (not the way Hinata or Kageyama had, but still) and in the darkness, he seemed more threatening than ever. That was the first thing Yachi thought.

The second one was that he looked tired.

“Do you need anything?” Kuroo asked in the end.

“Oh, no, no, I just…” She interrupted. She really did not know what she was looking for.

Kuroo smiled.

“A nocturne and pensive walk, then?”

Yachi smiled, but she could not help the thought that came to her mind.

_No. Exactly the opposite._

And something must come to her face, because Kuroo frowned slightly and stayed looking at her. Yachi blushed and downed her gaze.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to bother you.”

“You’re not bothering me at all. You have the same right as I have to enjoy a nocturne walk.”

Yachi doubted, then said:

“Hum… None at all, then, since they told us not to stay outside the dorms after the curfew.”

That made Kuroo smile.

“Well, if you see it that way…”

There was quite a long pause, in which Yachi looked at the landscape she could see across the nearest window. The moon was nearly full.

“I guess today’s is a really important reflection, if you decided to wander around when you can get caught,” Kuroo said in a light tone. “Wouldn’t you think better in the warmness of your room?”

“I don’t want to think about anything,” Yachi mumbled.

She realized about the cold of the corridor.

She didn’t add anything else, but Kuroo seemed to understand; Yachi felt his stare piercing her eyes and, probably, reading beyond as she was transparent. Then, he sighed and he moved, turning to the window. He rested his arms on the sill and took a look at the sky.

“So not thinking but stop thinking, uh… well, that makes two of us, then.”

Yachi raised her gaze, surprised. The moonlight painted Kuroo’s profile of silver, his visible eye glinting in the darkness.

“You’re fifteen, right?”

Yachi nodded. Kuroo’s look was difficult to read; he seemed worried and annoyed and calm and in peace, everything at the same time or maybe none of them.

Kuroo sighed.

“It’s kind of…”

“I-I don’t have any kind of problem,” Yachi stuttered. She blushed again. “I mean… it’s not like there’s an issue that is keeping me awake or anything. I’m… I’m fine.”

Kuroo said nothing. Yachi wondered if she had said too much, if she had made herself understand, then she realized she had interrupted a third year (of another school, besides) and she cursed her stupidity. Why did she have to choose that night to go for a walk? Why did she have to choose that corridor?

But Kuroo did not seem annoyed; in fact, he seemed like he had lost interest in her.

“You don’t have any kind of problem, you say? Well, I guess that’s fine, isn’t it?”

Yachi did not know if he expected an answer. She did not know either what she could answer to that.

“But… do you think is indispensable to have a problem to feel… uneasy? Haven’t you ever felt bad, like something terrible is about to happen, and when you stop to think about it in the cold light of the day you discovered there’s actually nothing wrong? Oh, well.” Kuroo frowned to the moon. “There might be many things wrong, in fact, but you know… none of them are going to happen anytime soon.”

Yachi took her time to answer.

“I think it’s normal to fear the future.”

“Yeah. It is.”

_But can you call that feeling in your chest just fear?_

Yachi waited, while that weight was heavier and heavier. She looked up at the moon, but her light did not seem to arrive there.

She dropped her gaze.

Nights were hard.

During those last days, Yachi had found herself quite comfortable around the other managers, and Kiyoko made sure she was okay and asked her frequently if she was enjoying the experience. Yachi always answered with a nod, because it was true: she really was enjoying the camp.

It was just that she couldn’t change the way she was.

At night, those feelings were stronger, as if they had been gaining strength during the day and, when the sun hided, they rose, like an insatiable beast. When she blinked, she was trapped under its jaws.

And it was too big.

Some time ago, nights were not made for thinking. Yachi was used to spending nights all alone at home, when her mother worked until late. After doing all the tasks, she could relax a bit on the sofa, watch a movie, chat with her friends, work in any design she had in mind. And if she thought about something was about the same things she thought during the day: homework, exams, her friends, her mother’s birthday, that new poster she had seen in the shopping centre. Normal and ordinary things. Then it had been even better; when that ray of sun had struck her so strongly, she could only think about volleyball. Feeling herself completely invested in something was really nice.

But in the end, it came the beast.

And with it, the promises for the future.

Promises she wasn’t sure she could fulfill.

“Hey.” Kuroo was looking at her, with a little frown. “Everything’s alright?”

“Y-Yes!” Yachi answered with a yelp. Then she remembered the time and she blushed. “Oh, sorry, I shouldn’t… sorry.”

“You seemed far away for a while. Do you miss home?”

Though unexpected, Yachi thought it was a strangely appropriate question. She didn’t answer at once; when she finally found the words, she was staring at the moon.

“When I joined the club… I was afraid. I wanted to try because it seemed fun, but I was afraid I’d bother more than help and... I didn’t want to be a dead weight. But when I see Hinata and the others training so hard and enjoying the game, I enjoy it, too. Even though I don’t play and I just carry the drinks and stuff… somehow I feel like I’m in the court with them.” She interrupted herself and looked at Kuroo nervously. “Maybe that was too much, I didn’t mean…!”

“It’s fine.” Kuroo smiled. “I think I can understand the feeling. Please, continue.”

Yachi breathed.

“So… when they are in the court… it’s like… it’s like I’m living the same as them. So when they play really nice I get so happy and excited and I want to celebrate with them.” She smiled. “But then…”

She remembered the tension, the harsh words. The frustration painted in their eyes.

“When things don’t go so well… I feel bad. I feel bad for the same reason I smile when I see them playing, and I think I could bear it, if it was just about that. But…” She looked at her hands, so weak and small, the same as her voice. “I also feel bad because I know I’m selfish and my suffering can’t be compared with theirs.”

She felt Kuroo moving, but she didn’t dare to raise her head.

“Do you think such things like suffering can be compared? Like: _hey, I feel twenty eight units of suffering, what about you? Me? I feel like a hundred lots today._

“No, not in that way, but… it’s kind of logic, isn’t it?”

“Hum?”

Yachi finally looked at him.

“Like… they are the players. I’m just the manager.”

Her whisper got lost before it could reach the moonlight. Kuroo still stared at her and Yachi realized that even though he was taller, he didn’t seem to be above her, somehow.

“I think we cannot choose how we feel when we encounter something,” he said in a low voice. “Maybe you can choose how you manage that, sure, but… I don’t think it’s easy to choose how you feel.” His eyes, though dark and serious, were kind. “You’re not doing anything wrong.”

“I don’t have any right to feel this way,” Yachi whispered.

“You’ve got all the right in the world. Because of the things you’ve seen, the things you’ve lived. And even though you didn’t, you’d still have the right. We already have enough with all the things we have to deal with, so feeling guilty… for what.

After a moment of hesitation, Yachi nodded slowly. And, as she approached to the window, her eyes searching for something she did not know yet, she added:

“So… is it better if I allow myself to feel? If I allow myself to feel everything?”

“Not everything.” Kuroo seemed to have an internal fought. “You have to separate things.”

Yachi understood that, but it was not easy.

“I don’t know if I can do that.”

“We normally can’t.” Kuroo showed a sad smile. “That’s why we end up this way. Taking nocturne walks, so we can stop thinking.”

Yachi remembered he looked tired.

She realized Kuroo was also exhausted.

“Do they work?” she asked.

“Sometimes.”

“And what are you supposed to do if they don’t?”

Yachi felt about to break down. But Kuroo just smiled, and in that real and sincere smile Yachi was able to lean on, instead of falling.

“Breathe. Keep your hope. It gets better.” His eyes were dark and warm and full of moonlight. Yachi wished she could read in them. “I promise.”


End file.
